ORD Dream

Note 1: Originally published on May 31, 2013
Note 2: The afterword is (al)ready.

A peculiar thing happened. I dreamt… of the day I ORD.

Few details still stay with me, but while I shook the hands of ma’ams without making eye contact – whether out of habit or shyness – there was an unmistakeable feeling. It was not joy, relief or the gentle feeling of freedom.

It was regret.

In the dream, I thought to myself, wait… so fast? I did not leave the job better than when I took it. I did not face up to colleague-level problems proactively. I did not develop stronger social skills; what was it about the eye contact? I was gripped by the realization that I have failed to do anything that I set out wanting to do.

Scary.

I have just passed my 1-year mark in NS, which means there is just a year to go. If I were to ORD tomorrow, it is entirely debatable whether I had used the experience – however unpleasant at times – well. I talk more, but only to peers, not superiors. I ‘rage’ more often – often in jest – but have been half-hearted and quarter-willed in proposing change. Eye contact always seems to impede the flow of my thoughts. If I were to leave tomorrow, I would have just been a passenger who left nothing worthy of note.

Why does it matter to me? It’s quite terrible to look back, years from now, and notice 2 years of vacuum. Worse still, 2 years of unhappiness or regret. Of course, we can try to blot it out from memory, those bitter years, but that will be a definite step back in my growth. If I can still make a difference, why not try making it?

Things always get in the way, but I hope that the 1-year mark is my point of inflexion. On the day I ORD, I don’t want to feel relief; certainly not regret.

I want to feel satisfaction. That I made good out of it.

Afterword: My ORD Thoughts